The Weight of Our Choices

Sometimes I wish the Lord was a grand puppeteer, a real tyrant up there, dictating my every move with one of those huge robot all-in-one remote controls that I can never figure out. You know? The kind with the colorful buttons with arrows everywhere and SAT words abbreviated in different languages, possibly also a calculator? Those.

But the thing about the Lord is that He gives us choices.
He trusts us to make choices!

Looking back, I’ve made some stupid choices. I mean, wow. I still am a little bit stunned at how I rationalized some choices and was able to twist them into looking halfway logical.

Really, if you’re stubborn enough, you’re gonna find an excuse to do what it is you actually want to do. You can find a loophole. You can direct your thoughts to the 2% that sounds good and convenient, while ignoring the 98% that’s screaming mistake, hasty, lesser.

I can blame my support systems and heart wounds, and say things like “I didn’t know better” and “I did my best at the time” but it boils down to the truth: my mind was set on rebellion. I did as I pleased, I did what was right in my own eyes. I refused wise counsel. I shut my ears and lalala’d my way through poor choices. I made a recent poor choice, so let me tell you…

A few days ago, I had an off day. Nothing really seemed quite right. I was hungry and went into the kitchen, opened the cabinet, and looked at my groceries. I had just gone to the store, and I had a pretty delish setup going on, no lie. I had bowtie pasta, sauce, potatoes, different soups, I had avocados and tomatoes, cheese… yet I grabbed a can of pork and beans. Kid you not. I heated it up, and I ate freakin pork and beans, yall.

No offense to beans, because beans rock, but seriously???

That’s the kind of thing you heat up as a side dish for a barbecue, not what you would eat as a main meal by itself, all emo and weird.

Then you know what happens after you eat a lot of beans? Yeah. That was fun. I was farting all day, couldn’t stand myself. (yes, yes, I went there, don’t care). I was home alone, so I was in my own little prison, holding myself hostage with freakin tear gas, so help me God.

How often do we do that to ourselves?
(no, not fart ourselves to tears, I mean make poor choices on purpose)

Then we wonder how and why we got ourselves to where we are?


Finish this sentence:

Sometimes I choose to deprive myself of peace and goodness because… 

…I don’t feel innately deserving, only on special occasions.
…I want to punish myself out of guilt for something that happened in the past.
…I want a challenge to prove something about my worth, because of somebody who has made me feel unworthy.
…I am subconsciously angry at myself, someone else, and/or God. 
…I like to suffer through and control the drama, because it impedes me from dealing with a reality I’m unready to face.

Dear dear darling reader, whoever you are, I can relate with you, but this has to stop.

You were meant for more than being your own worst enemy. 

The weight of your choices is a direct consequence of these behaviors, which are hinging on lies.


…I don’t feel innately deserving, only on special occasions.
You are deserving. You are deserving because your worth was given to you by God, and it can’t be taken away. Do not deprive yourself. Find accountability in the ways you are struggling with this.

…I want to punish myself out of guilt for something that happened in the past.
You are acquitted. You are free from the guilt, the shame, and the past because of Jesus, and He wants you to have freedom. You are as free as the prodigal son, who came home after having spent all of his inheritance and found himself embraced by his dad and welcomed home. Take a deep breath. Treat yourself kindly. Find accountability in the ways you deal with punishing yourself. You are covered in grace. You need not live like the past is still weighing you down.

…I want a challenge to prove something about my worth, because of somebody who has made me feel unworthy.
If you’re struggling with this, odds are, you aren’t feeling very loved. The thing with challenges is that they are difficult and elusive during the chase, and then they are empty once you have them. You trick yourself into thinking that the challenge itself is your motivation, when really you’re feeding off of the process and the hardship.
Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to recognize it. You have to heal from this. Somebody rocked you to the core and made you feel like less than you are. Face that. Heal. Be. Forgive. Release. Do what you need to do to dispel that wound and not let it affect your choices.
Also, your value does not increase based on someone’s affection for you.
Your value has been set, and it’s high.
God is not ashamed to point to you and say “that one, that incredible one, is made in my image.”
Let the Lord bring you His goodness. Don’t go looking for a person or a challenge to validate you. Let Him love you well.

…I am subconsciously angry at myself, someone else, and/or God. 
It’s okay to be angry. Let it out. Tell the Lord what’s on your mind. He can handle it. Letting anger fester is toxic to you. It can creep into everything you do and poison it. Vent to God and forgive the situation, all parties involved, and yourself. Forgive yourself for not understanding it all yet. Someday you will know fully. Someday you’ll have all the answers, promise.

…I like to suffer through and control the drama, because it impedes me from dealing with a reality I’m unready to face.
This last one is a killer coping mechanism that can wreck a whole lifetime… co-dependence, choosing abusive relationships, choosing one-sided relationships, choosing toxic friendships, and inviting confusion into your life. Yikes. What would a whole day be like without drama? Without communication with that person? Please please confront the anxiety of the thought of not communicating, the anxiety of the thought of silence and stillness. I promise that the real “drama” is the quivering panicking thought of not having attention, or not having tension. Face it. Face that fear. Scream in its face about how awesome God says you are, about how you’re not alone. About how you need to be loved well. About how you know how to love well.  Scream in its face. Tell it to go to hell. Once that fear is gone, you have so much thought space, so much peace. It’s no longer about who is giving you attention. There’s a comfort in stillness. There’s a knowledge of God’s goodness from the depth of your heart, where once that fear was embedded.

Jesus, I pray you bring healing and peace. Teach your sweet ones what goodness is, all over again. Take away the anxiety, the anger, the confusion. Take away the desire to let their hearts wander, to seek attention or affirmation from people or projects. Then they will make good decisions, no longer bound up in rebellion. Then they will choose well for themselves, not the bumpy back roads but the highways you have for them. Show them how well-loved they are by a Savior who is not a puppeteer but who TRUSTS THEM and enables them to make good decisions without fear or lies. In your name I pray. Amen.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
{Psalm 51:10-12}

6 thoughts on “The Weight of Our Choices

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