Somehow, I’ve arrived here.
I can’t explain the goodness, the method.
God has blessed me in ways I didn’t think possible.
Just last year, I was crying. I was broken. I was feeling empty, unhappy that I was unsatisfied, angry with myself for not being satisfied, and asking God why I craved something aside from Him, why He wasn’t filling my heart, healing my heart. I was stuck on all my shortcomings, focused only on the things I had failed to do, on what I could have done differently. My soul simply cried out ‘why’ and no longer said ‘yes’ to the Most High King. But He didn’t leave me there. He gave me a new spirit.
All is well now. I can say with a confident peace that I walk in His healing. My heart has been mercifully filled to the brim with a love that is bold and deep and real. I’m in love, and not just with an idea, but with the fullness of what God intended. And I’m not afraid to receive it. I’m not afraid it will be taken away.
As for ministry, it’s been tough but rewarding. God has grown Phylla House beyond my imagination. We now have 3 campuses, reaching over 50 women. We have an internship program. We have more overseas partners, who now actually benefit from our partnership. I’m much closer to becoming a women’s pastor, what was once a goal I didn’t think myself deserving to set.
I’d like to say I no longer struggle with discipline, but it hasn’t gotten that much easier. I crave intimacy with the Father, but sometimes it doesn’t carry over into my body desiring to get up in the morning when it’s not well-rested. It’s a battle worth fighting, and I will keep fighting out of love, and freely receiving His grace in the times that I fail.
Thanksgiving 2014 has me with a full heart. I know God did more than I dared to ask.
As you can tell, we’re still in 2013. I wrote this projecting forward, prophesying over next year.
I grieved this year. It was beautiful, but also really painful. But Jesus is making new things. I can trust Him in that, and I will focus on what is ahead, because it sure is lovely.
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.