I couldn’t wait to raise my hand this morning when the pastor asked if anybody needed God to be their Defender with a certain battle in their life. My hand shot up. As he asked for us to come forward for prayer, I practically power-walked to the altar.
Dear God, do I ever need help. I had a deacon pray for the lies in my head to get out. That was necessary. My pastor was practically yelling the prayer in my face haha, needed that. The tears just coming down, just like the stance I take to keep myself on guard. My surrender and weakness and vulnerability were visible for all to witness.
I am weak sauce, hear me roar.
I’d like to think of myself as a low-maintenance person. Not quite “I am titanium” bullet-proof, but a darn good shot, someone who can hold her ground and man-handle an assault rifle. I think of myself as a defender, and a very willing mama bear when I’m needed. I’m someone my friends can count on to stand up for them, to hold their hand through tough stuff. I fight for my people.
Lately, my strength has been sapped. I’ve needed people to come alongside me and fight for me. I’ve been extra needy. Ew. I’m needing a good cash-in of the golden rule, needing that zesty zing fight to be returned for me now.
Good news? It’s coming around. I am fought for. I am welcomed in my weakness, nurtured, and counseled.
The hard part about being in this situation is the innate assumption that it’s a permanent state. That I’m down for the count and that is just who I am? I don’t think so. I was raised in the ‘levanta, sacode a poeira, da volta por cima‘ culture, infused with Cowgirl Up, and a mix of fall down seven times, get up eight even when everything feels like it’s gonna snap.
This hard spot is temporary. You better believe I’m making a comeback, and I’m choosing into the right things. God is sifting through my life, and I gotta let Him. There are some epic things coming up ahead, and He’s not sending me without discipline and testing. The refining fire.
There is sufficient grace for my weakness. I am seeing it in my loved ones, the ones who are lavishing me with grace and prayer. God is using those willing ones to minister to my spirit and my heart.
This will pass, and I get to remember the bold love that was shown to me in this season of difficult growth. Blessings have been released from heaven to me. Every love note. Every careful thought. Every word of prophecy. I cherish it. God, how I need it.
Two weeks ago, I got a card from a sweet WR alum whom I’ve never met. I cried. It was exactly what I needed to read. She even drew a crowd on one side, and said that every person was a life I was impacting. I soaked that in.
I am loved, and I know it. I already knew, but thank you again and again for showing me. Isn’t that what this life is about? The again and again of the love of God, displayed to us and through us?
The Lord is my Shepherd.
I lack no good thing.
The Lord is my Defender (He fights for me).
I need only to be still (and rest in His peace).
Even in my times of weakness, my times of uncertainty, He makes sure I lack nothing, and that my fill comes from Him. I was worried about my birthday, not gonna lie. Worried somehow that I wouldn’t know how to receive, how to embrace. You ever have those dreams where you show up in your pajamas and everybody kinda laughs? Thankfully that was not the case 😉
My birthday was so special. I saw turtles, and got flowers, and a necklace, birthday meals, margaritas, love notes, cards, a mug, stationery, chocolate, a puzzle, Easter eggs, ca$h money, desserts galore, phone calls, and enjoyed a fun dance party. I got to go on a roadtrip, and play at the zoo with two of my besties.
Thank you, friends and family, for your grace and extravagant love to me.
I’ll share with you one last thing I had written into my notes::
The Lord does not rule out suffering in the fulfillment of His promises.
Maybe you’re going through a hard time right now too, where you don’t quite know what’s in store, you’re trusting blindly, and grieving all at once. Take heart. It might look like you’re falling apart, but God is walking you through toward the fulfillment of His promises –His GOOD promises to you.