Part of the perks of working the night shift at the hospital is the “fun” transition back to the “real world” when normal people are awake. It’s somber and quiet during the night, and it’s a dangerous time for my thoughts to run away from me. I usually put on worship music and let myself lean on the Lord’s embrace, even when that leaning hasn’t been so graceful lately. It’s looked a bit like thrashing. Just envision a child getting a shot at the doctor’s office, and the parent trying to hold them down… bingo. I ain’t about this. I don’t like it.
Working in the Blood Bank alone at night is super lonely, and the nights when I’m off work and in bed, and wide awake… those are worse! I asked the bits of my heart and soul to agree with each other, to validate my emotions and let them come through. I’m a pro at shutting them down, and sometimes it bleeds through my writing. I love and hate having a blog. When Jesus told me to write ‘so they can read it,’ I was, at first, very excited. Who doesn’t want to feel heard?
This blog is like an iceberg. You see just what I post, but you may not know my heart behind it. You may not understand me, or have the means to. You may not know that I went through a couple of years when I didn’t feel anything. Years that I didn’t write because I was so numb. All I did was work and run. I was a very functional, money-earning, marathon-running robot. My life was super crappy and I did not have the courage to face it. I sought out God, and He started to ruin everything, in the best way.
So Jesus told me to start writing about it. Funny enough, people wanted to read about a girl who had just gotten divorced at 23. I was a statistical train wreck, and people couldn’t exactly look away. They were intrigued about how I was going to move forward. Call it pity, call it curiosity, but I had readers. The blogs were not as personal as my shredded, awful journals, but close. I started blogging WAY before the World Race… creep if you want to.
But blogging is so dangerous, because I share my life with PEOPLE. Other people. They end up being featured… mm.
So it happens. Those blogs. The ones when the overflow of my heart just sucks so bad, and it goes on the internet. Holy Spirit comes to convict me, and sometimes I still don’t get direct answers, even when I start to panic and ask around. The people who see my heart oftentimes don’t see the problem with the blogs.
I love how Jesus sometimes uses near strangers to confirm those sinking feelings. I’m thankful those near strangers take the time to read, but overcome by sorrow when I misrepresent the grace that’s been offered to me. What else can I do but delete the stupid thing and move forward? Apologize, and hope for the best.
Reality is that we live as children of the LIGHT, and we are desperately drawn to EXPOSURE. So help me God, that I’m doing the best I can to live transparently, and to share my life with people. Not ALL people, but the ones Jesus throws my way to minister to. The ones who make it this far and are still reading this blog. You. Hey. I welcome you into MY life. “Follow me as I follow the example of Christ” and sometimes fail miserably, but I want to stand back up and say it again, fresh grace, and the confidence of a disciple who hears His voice: “follow me as I follow the example of Christ.”
I am imperfect, but yet considered righteous in Him. If I allow a mistake to silence me, to make me shrink back in shame, to make me doubt my calling, doubt my worth, and doubt the anointing the Lord has poured on me in the heavenly realm (but really, that happened, oil and all), then I am belittling the work of God. Is His grace not sufficient?
I learned not to compromise my purity, because the enemy only uses that foothold to whisper about worthlessness. In Proverbs 31, it says that she brings him good, not harm, all the days of his life. That’s a love that fights for purity, and it is a Biblical requirement, not an open-ended suggestion.
I learned that my hopes are made for the Lord’s unfailing nature, and the goodness of His gifts reflect His Fatherly generosity. God gives me warnings that I know to heed, and yet stubbornly I’ve disobeyed Him in the past. I don’t want that anymore, and I’m not that person anymore.
I learned that my affirmation must come from the Lord, but also from my loved ones. It is Biblical that we must encourage one another daily, yeah? Hebrews, check it. It’s not a weakness, and the lie that “my heart’s hunger for affirmation is a weakness” was sent back to the pit of hell where it came from.
Romance was designed by the Lord and I want it! I want it! I will have it, and be a wife and a mama, and desiring this here on earth is not a weakness. Life is short, you guys, and time keeps flying. It’s okay to want a family, and to raise a new generation. I will write about it when it comes, bravely, boldly, confidently. I will share my pictures. I will tell you what a godly pursuit looks like, for the broken women who are still in the tunnel and can’t yet see that good things can happen to them as well.
Watch, the Lord will do a new thing. My husband is gonna feel awesome when I praise his pursuit on this platform, because he knows it will inspire women and challenge men to rise to a standard that mirrors Christ’s pursuit of His Church.
What I’m learning when I’m up all night is that Jesus is really jealous for our hearts. I don’t know if you’ve experienced the reality of His pursuit in your own life, in the middle of your nights, but it’s true. I’m realigning and adjusting, and receiving grace for playing tug-o-war with Jesus for months. I’m grieving more, pushing away shame, condemnation, fear of people.
Truth is that Jesus has been giving me all these gifts, and in my mind I was happy, but my heart was… meh. I’m going to Thailand, packing today. Yesterday, I got accepted to Bethel Atlanta School of Supernatural Ministry. I’m going hiking today, in a place I’ve never been. I’m going salsa dancing tonight. Life is so abundant, you guys. If only I could feel it all. But I’m getting there!
Jesus has been spoiling me rotten, and yet I’ve been hardhearted toward Him… I felt like I wouldn’t have the heart strength to start over. I had lost sight of my hope for the future, and I let that gloom cloud over me. Then I was reminded of Psalm 73:21-28, and I’ll let you to it.
21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.