I’m doing some repenting right now and I want to share it with you, because maybe you’re supposed to join me in this.
I need to repent in the way I stopped trusting my brothers. I’m not talking about my biological brother, but my brothers in Christ, my buddies, my friends, my pals who just so happen to be males.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have kept you at arm’s length. I’m sorry I have assumed you might be sketchy. I’m sorry I have failed to trust you, to laugh with you, and to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m sorry I have been stern, and I’m sorry I have pushed you away abrasively. That is not my character. That’s not who I am, but a temporary behavior that stemmed from a healing heart.
I’m well aware of it now, and here’s what happened…
I’m an extremely analytical person, and my formulas got all switched up. The part of my heart that defends itself, that makes fantastic choices… well, it got a little hypersensitive. I dated my very best guy friend, and my heart got smashed. I decided, without realizing that I was deciding it, that I would not let other guys become such close friends to me again, ever, because that kind of pain is not something I’d like to experience again. What if a close guy friend decided to pursue me? Would I completely flip out? Yeah, probably.
Is that not my dream, though? Is that not something I desire? To date someone I know well? I thought it was, and I think it still is. I berated myself, because I thought I had started to open my heart in a friendship, and let someone into my life, to get to know me, and then there was this magic trick where romance was introduced, and I thought I would just about die of happiness. The hard part was over, we knew each other, we knew what we wanted… and and and bust. Wasn’t it.
My genius way of preventing that from happening again? “Don’t get close to guys.”
UGH! I’M SORRY!!!!
So I’ve pushed my brothers away, and I even got all mixed up, had some weird conversations, and while I am a total stickler about flirting and keeping good boundaries, I had to be rebuked by the Lord IN A DREAM about how I’m pushing my brothers away.
I found that lie in my heart, and I recoiled, and removed it.
I can be a friend again. I won’t push away, or act extra weird, or get all “SO WHAT IS THIS?!” when my bros are trying to be my bros. They can have my number. They can feel free to call me. We can hang out, just maybe not til 3am, yeah? I’m a lady!!! I’ll do my best not to time them or chart our interactions. I’m excited for when I’m back in Georgia, to see how this all will play out. There’s always freedom when fear is removed.
I know the Lord is trying to give me a gift in friendships, and He is so adamant that I receive the gift in full, that He gave me a dream to show me what I was doing wrong. I’m not going to look back any longer, and I’m telling my heart it’s okay to trust. It’s okay to trust my brothers. It’s okay to encourage them and love them well. It’s okay to hug, to laugh, to talk. These people are trying to get to know me, and I, them. They’re not out to hurt me, not at all. I’m new, and new creatures have fresh stores of trust.
In Jesus’ name, my heart is healed and aligned to trust my brothers, to make new friends, both gals and guys. What a lovely gift it is, and I will receive it with thanksgiving.