It’s been over 2 years now since I cried on that rooftop in India.
Jesus had already pointed me to California and Bethel months prior. I’d already applied to seminary there, using the most unpredictable Tanzanian wifi. I thought I knew my role, myself, my passion. I thought I knew how to carry out the dream He gave me. It’s funny how stubborn I get when I think I’m right. Oops. I heard Bethel and California. I think it’s hilarious now that I go to a ministry school named Bethel, which is a plant from the one in California. *cue audience laughter*
Nevertheless, picture me in 2012, with long, tangled blonde hair, wearing giant pants from Thailand, likely wearing a shirt with a cat on it, and curled up in a blanket. I was holding my chunky smart phone, with a hot pink case that was peeling off from being carried around the world for 10.5 months at this point. I had my headphones on, likely just one side, because let’s be honest, by month 11 on the World Race, none of my headphones worked on both sides. #WRproblems
It was just before dawn. I climbed up 3 or 4 sets of stairs to make it all the way to the rooftop of our building, sneaking past sweet, sleeping children who laid on the concrete on levels 3 and 4. The plastic chair I sat on to watch the sunrise was always wet. I wiped it dry with my blanket. The air was chilly and thick with smog. The sun was probably up but I wouldn’t see it past the layer of pollution for a little while.
As I sat, singing and praying, I asked God why He chose California for me. Why send me from TEXAS to Cali, the most unlikely transition? Why choose a place that’s so expensive, and so outside of the Bible belt? What is there for me anyway?
That morning I found myself on my knees, crying, repenting of my lack of faith for His provision and of my judgments for that place. I caught a small glimpse of the Father’s heart for the Golden State, how much He loves it. How much beauty He has instilled in it and its people. How much He longs to restore it, to rebuild it. He has an outpour of love planned for it, and I get to be part of it. Whoa.
In the science world, when you have an analyzer acting funny, you put in the calibrators and you reset it to those standards. You’re basically resetting it with the known, so that it can compare the unknown to the known and get accurate results. I felt like God calibrated my heart to His that morning, that He was the known to my unknown, and all of a sudden I knew just enough to be so overwhelmed by His love for His people.
What won’t He do to reach them? There’s nothing He won’t do to reach His beloved, to find them in His arms! He came after me, and now He’s going after them through me. Revival is stirring. Can you feel it?
It’s been over 2 years and I am still waiting. Believe me, I’ve tried to shortcut my journey. I tried to move to San Diego and Redding. Not only was I off in my timing, but I was off in the location. Lots of doors got slammed in my face. Not a pretty sight was me alone in my wailing, not getting my candy. Yay for spiritual immaturity! Yay for learning patience with a broken heart! Yay for sarcasm!
I declared I’d move there in 2015, and then took it back. I dared to say 2016, and even that is probably not right haha. But I am really praying that 2017 is the year I get to turn 30 and start ministry like Jesus did, and for there to be some kind of shift in the spiritual atmosphere of my life as He experienced in His. Who knows but Him?
If I were to beat myself up for all the times I underestimated God’s calling on my life, I wouldn’t survive the beating. Yet here I am, alive and well, safe from the blows of confusion in His arms of grace. So what I don’t have the details? My calling is Jesus. My passion is Jesus. My only hope of glory is Christ in me.
If I must wait years in a place not yet THE place, let me take the examples of Joshua, Caleb, and Moses in the desert. Let me look at Joseph’s humility. Let me watch how Jacob willingly toiled for his bride. Let me not be discouraged by my circumstances, but encouraged that the winding roads qualify my journey as worthwhile. He’s building me to be the person who arrives.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
‘Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.