It’s May 2015. It’s officially been 3 years since I had the dream for Phylla House while I was in Cambodia.
I constantly have people asking me about Phylla House, more about how it’s going. And I come up with a blank and a shrug, because right now it’s not really moving forward. I was hoping for a response from local leaders when I posted the leader application, and so far I have the 2 ladies up in Washington and I had one more person pipe up with interest. Nobody filled out the form. And honestly, guys, that’s hard for me to admit. I moved to Georgia for this thing and it’s not gaining any ground that I can tell. We’ve had a total of 4 groups, and I paused those to go to ministry school. The thought of wrangling in leaders makes me discouraged, because these are people I’d hope would be passionate about the divorced, widows, and single moms of the world who may not be getting the inner healing and community they need. I wanted to flip the statistics. Jesus gave me that, and I took it and I ran with it. I shouldn’t have to twist any arms, and I don’t care to.
Now I work full-time and I decided it was time to get debt-free. My ministry adventures were not taking care of me financially, which is a knife in the back for a lot of well-meaning dreamers. The government now requires us to have medical insurance, and I got a penalty for not having it last year. When you have to use your time for money and benefits, you obviously have less time to chase dreams. Phylla House is a major need. People get excited about it. But then there isn’t even a handful of people who want to lead the thing with me. I can keep repeating the things I can do by myself: I can lead ONE group and host it. I can mentor a few ladies. I can distribute the “curriculum” people keep asking for, much to their disappointment because the pages read along like this:
1- Show up. Early.
2- Pray with worship leader and childcare volunteer.
3- Hug people as they come in.
4- Sign in & write prayer requests.
6- Now listen to the Holy Spirit. What is He saying? Do that.
7- Pray out and dismiss.
Repeat steps 1-7 weekly, for 6 months. Month 1 topic: Story. Month 2: Identity. Month 3: Forgiveness. Month 4: Grieving. Month 5: Outreach. Month 6: Healing.
And that’s not what they want. They want a booklet with wise words and activities, and while I do have a few good “lessons” and “activities” it’s really not about that. It’s really, really not about that. It’s about connecting with a Living God, and that’s super scary to some, but it should be so very comfortable and comforting, depending on spiritual maturity. The curriculum has always been the Holy Spirit. I won’t ever have a better one. I can train you all day on Him, though, teaching you about His name, His power, His voice, and His heart. Healing only comes from Him, not a curriculum.
I can’t lead more than one group in September. And there’s a “stomping foot and stubborn scowl” of a sentence ringing in my ears as the words come out of my mouth in my prayers: God, I refuse. I refuse to burn out again. I refuse to move forward in this calling if you don’t send me more leaders. I will keep doing only what I can manage, which isn’t the vision You gave me. If You don’t do it, it won’t get done.
I stopped writing the #ATLdevo daily, and now I will send something here and there weekly. I’m working on writing a book. And I will have a Phylla House Refuge in Sandy Springs in the Fall. This is all I can manage. I don’t promise growth. I don’t promise any magical experiences or ponies or rainbows. I’m just a 28-year-old who has been through a whole lot of life and a whole lot of training, who works full-time at a hospital, and who has just taken on a big role of managing a 7-year-old nonprofit organization. I have a “full plate” but never for a moment have I quit. I’m waiting on God. I’m keeping my joy and my fire at the forefront of my life.
Rev 22 says that the leaves of the tree of life are for the healing of the nations. We need lots of leaves. We need healing. I’m doing my best and I’m not sorry. I am giving it all I have in this short vapor of a life, and I will be found mimicking my Father. Right now He’s laughing and He’s not stressed out.
Kingdom assignments look a little different from time to time, but that’s a given. I hope this helps you to pray and to keep following along with me.