I am the difference-maker, oh I am the only one that speaks to him, oh I am the friendliest of friends of God.”
I sing this from time to time, and I believe it’s true for each of us, but lately I was doubting it for myself. I didn’t doubt that I was doing something, but a difference? I wasn’t sure if I was making a difference. Writing blogs and making phone calls and posting things here and there. Yes, the book is selling kinda steady. Yes.
BUT fruit is kind of tricky. We get used to seeing 10 apples and when we see 10 apples for long enough, we start to feel like that’s just not enough fruit… are you catching my drift? We start to wonder where the watermelons are. We want BIG spiritual fruit. We want to see results and wild breakthrough, and fiery revival sparking left and right. We want that crazy church camp high, the conference buzz. We want the hairs on our arms to stand up, and the tears to flood, and the hands to grow hot.
Yeah… no. That hasn’t happened for me in a while. My discipline? Yeah, out the window after the book was published. I haven’t read as much, or written as much. I haven’t picked back up with the #ATLdevo posts for Phylla House yet. I haven’t even tried very hard to talk about the book. YALL.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for the spiritual CPR to happen at any minute, for me to get struck by Holy lightning and start glowing in the dark, and write about THAT. Yet it’s been just over 2 months and I hear no thunder. So maybe, I thought, this is what is on my plate right now that I should share.
There’s another song called You Revive Me, and the words call my tears to well up. I get reminded that God is in charge of reviving me. I don’t have to pep rally my heart without sincerity, and I definitely don’t have to beat myself up for this strange blah feeling. Only God can satisfy my soul, and only God can revive me in these times where it feels like my motivation went on vacation and left me laying on my belly. I’m here, and I’m breathing, and I am happy. It just feels weird, like something is numb or dormant.
If I start comparing myself to productive Helena who blogs twice a week and posts devotionals daily and schedules posts a month in advance and turns everything in on time, AND drives to Gainesville to make home visits, and schedules ministry calls, and looks for local ministries to visit and bless… okay, you get it. I feel like I’m at about 20% of the usual overachiever me.
Maybe I’m not an overachiever anymore? Maybe God is trying to show me that He’s just as pleased with me when I’m laying low as He is when I have my hand in every cookie jar? Maybe I have to learn that there’s a time to be the caffeinated fairy godmother and a time to calm down all my horses and shamelessly eat queso in bed?
I’m learning something. I’m onto something here.
I’ve had joking conversations about how I ran out of goals that I have any control over. I ran marathons and published a book. I traveled the world and now I have a job I love. And yet waiting on the rest of the dreams in my heart is still difficult. I see it coming in the future, and that actually makes it harder to wait.
What do I do in the middle? What should I do again? Another book? More posts? More steady blogs? Bring back the daily devo? Start a new hobby? Honestly, it all sounds good but I have zero human motivation. This has to be fueled by the Spirit. This isn’t something I can muster up and do on my own strength, from a guilty sense of obligation.
This is what I’m learning. The only way I can be a difference-maker is if I’m fueled by the Spirit. I need to be patient, yielded over to Him. I think this is what it’s like to rest? It feels extremely unproductive and wasteful, but I’m waiting on Him. The steady fruits are still here. I still get messages and texts that say “this is exactly what I needed” or “I spent hours reading your blogs” or “thank you for writing” and things like that. I don’t ever want to take any of those for granted. I don’t want it to feel like the 10 apples, you know what I mean?
Thanks for hanging in there with me through the ups and downs. I pray you know that you’re making a difference, even when you don’t feel like it. God makes everything beautiful in His timing, and it is our utmost privilege to trust Him. That’s the truth that sets us free.