Lean

You’re gonna laugh, but tonight I needed a hug. I started to type about how much I just wanted a hug, and that’s how this blog was going to start. My love language is physical touch, and sometimes at the end of a long day, I just need a big hug. There’s an unspoken reassurance in it that I can’t quite explain. So I was sitting in the lab, thinking about how I hadn’t had a single hug all day, and I told God I wish I could hug Him. At once, the doorbell rings and it’s  one of our blood delivery guys, who is basically my Kenyan Dad. He’s all smiles all the time, and his name is Jeremiah. You won’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. He said to me from across the room “You are my sweetheart! Receive a big big hug!” and he opened wide his arms and gestured a hug to me. I fought back a giant lump in my throat and wobbled my way over to him and got my big big hug. He said it again “You are my sweetheart!” and I knew exactly what he meant. I felt so very understood by God in that moment. He sent me a hug via a very, very excited Kenyan Dad. It was the perfect timing.

God knows what you need. He knows what you want AND what you need. Sometimes the want isn’t a need, but sometimes it really is. God knew I needed a hug, and He provided. I could go curl up in a ball and cry about the kindness and the sweetness of God. He understands me and He knows how simple of a creature He wired me to be. I am dismantled, absolutely dissolved by a simple hug. If He knows me this well, I can guarantee He knows you just as much.

Not only does He know what you need, He also isn’t delayed or holding back from you. Sometimes I’m tempted to think that I’m doing something wrong to delay God. I sit there and drive myself into a tizzy thinking that I’m “in the way” of God doing something. I say things like “God, if I’m doing something wrong here and messing up Your plan, then tell me and stop me!” and then, almost as soon as the words come out of my mouth, I realize how ridiculous of a concept that is. I can’t mess up His plan. I can’t get in the way of it. And when I’m sitting there, heart busted open, ears straining to hear His voice, and eyes squinting to see His face, how much more surrendered could I possibly be? Be it so unto me, Lord. Do what You need to do, Jesus. Here am I, Lord, willing and able by Your grace. Let’s do this, whatever “this” is. I have to trust that I’ve done my part, and that the ball is in His holy court. Then comes the fun part: waiting.

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MY. LEAST. FAVORITE. THING. EVER. is waiting.

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I will come up with 1000 distractions, some fruitful and some not so much. I find myself literally making things up as I go. Gee, I guess I’ll study for this test and try to take this certification. Gee, I guess I’ll write another book. Gee, I guess I’ll google beaches in Crete, yolo. I’ve read 2 books already within a month, which is a lot for me. I beat a Sudoku puzzle on the most difficult level–without cheating! I have no problem filling up my time, distracting my brain from the fact that I didn’t plan for this. I didn’t plan this far out. God sure did, though. And I’m waiting on Him to send me a fax with my 10-year plan.  Until then, I celebrate the hug I got from my Kenyan Dad, and I trust in the Father who provides for my every need, without fail. He makes all things beautiful in His time. How tightly we cling to the Guide when we cannot see!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, right? Here’s to leaning into hugs, waiting, and truth.

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4 thoughts on “Lean

  1. YOUR TIMING, THOUGH. Recently my God has been clearly calling me out on not trusting Him to know or care about what my heart wants along with my very basic needs and he’s like, “baby girl, who do you think is shaping that heart?” And I’m like Ohhh, right. So thank you for reminding me that when God speaks, His kids hear Him and sometimes we like to share the message as confirmation that we’re hearing what He said.

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